You remember when time was an infinite resource. Everything that was would always be, and important tasks could be endlessly postponed in favor of immediate gratification. As the years have passed the pressures of the future weigh on you more, and whenever you have fun it’s tainted by the feeling that you could be doing something more productive. It’s hard to find a balance. You cannot become too comfortable, too complacent, but you also need to slow down and enjoy the moment. The trick seems elusive, but you feel it’s integral to your happiness.
This relationship with time gets even more complex when you add the other people in your life. Sure, your own timeline is always going to be first in your thoughts, but the time left for the people you care about matters immensely. Your brain spares you from the constant worrying, and it seems as if these important people will always be there. Then someone get’s sick, and this little clock begins ticking. Nothing with this person is to be taken for granted. Every picture, meal, holiday, hug and kiss becomes an event. That clock ticks away, and your mind lingers on every second.
You learned, as that person faded, how important they were to you. You reevaluate every interaction, and firmly place them in the hierarchy of your heart. You’re never ready for them to leave, but that time, however painful, is important. It becomes so much harder when the departure is sudden. Your mind never had the clock ticking. You loved them fully, but you didn’t have that time to fawn on them. You resent your mind for assuming their presence.
Sometimes this sudden loss occurs and you didn’t know the person well, but you intended to. This acquaintance or distant relative was always there and always would be. They may have been younger than you, so there was no rush. You talked online or on the phone. You made plans and broke plans, always saying, “One day.” Those days came and went, and you assumed they would keep passing until the real day came, and then you would finally know them. But the days ran out, and you learned to mind the clock a little more.
One day you will make your peace with time.